A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Author: Bob Hope
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
Author: David Brenner
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Author: Mark Twain
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
Author: Mel Brooks
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
Author: Gallagher
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Author: Groucho Marx
I am at two with nature.
Author: Woody Allen
I can resist anything but temptation.
Author: Oscar Wilde
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Author: Jack Benny
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Author: Unknown
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Author: Mark Twain
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Author: Oscar Wilde
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Author: Rodney Dangerfield
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Author: Woody Allen
I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Author: Mel Brooks
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Author: Woody Allen
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Author: Oscar Levant
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Author: e. e. cummings
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Author: Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Author: Mel Brooks
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Author: Johnny Carson
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Author: Woody Allen
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Author: Dick Cavett
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Author: Woody Allen
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Author: Unknown
Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Author: Danny Devito
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Author: Groucho Marx
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Author: Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Author: Woody Allen
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
Author: Pound
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
Author: Mort Sahl
So little time and so little to do.
Author: Oscar Levant
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Author: David Letterman
Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.
Author: Mary Richards
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Author: Sam Levenson
The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals.
Author: Rimmer - Red Dwarf
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Author: uncopyrightable
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Author: Mark Twain
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Author: George Carlin
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Author: Groucho Marx
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